2. Eric Hates Roger Moore

The film critic for the Orlando Sentinel, not the real Roger Moore, the one who played James Bond. This hack gave my film 2 stars out of 5. Normally, I can take criticism with only a small to moderate amount amount of self-pity, but his assessment was based on the fact that he figured out the ending of the movie in "seven minutes."

If this is his sole criteria when reviewing movies, then I Love You, Man must have completely stymied him based on the four stars he gave it. I can only imagine him in the theater, scratching his head at the ending: "Everything worked itself out? Didn't see that one coming. FOUR STARS!"

On top of his short-sightedness, Moore has a notorious history of getting into internet flame wars, which I can only presume is for his own self-promotion. Why else would he call Kevin Smith fat? What does that have to do with him as a filmmaker? Orson Welles wasn't a small man; that doesn't make Lady From Shanghai any less genius. Not that Moore was drawing a direct correlation between stature and talent, but he's a pretentious, jealous ass, so I don't care.

Here are some recent gems:

"Nicole Kidman has deigned to come down from the mountain and place herself at the disposal of Mr. Woody Allen"

"He's got the Oscars and the money in the bank. but it has been a while since Tom Hanks was in a real blockbuster. So why not Major Matt Mason, a film produced around him and his Playtone Pictures, to star himself? It's based on a Mattel toy. What, was Tom miffed he wasn't offered the lead in He-Man and Masters of the Universe?"

Look, obviously I'm all for using the internet to send your ill-informed, self-important message to the world, but this type of near-slander is usually reserved for Perez Hilton, not someone who is supposed to be an impartial observer. Not to mention that every bit of movie news on his blog is stolen from other sites without any credit.

I hate this guy. Mostly for personal reasons, but that doesn't mean he can't still be a giant douche.